Dr. Joseph Mancusi: Choose Health, Life and Love

The car went off the road and headed for an embankment. The sound of gravel hitting the fender woke up the driver. He steered back into the highway, pulled over, and parked the car. Their three children were startled and afraid but uninjured.

“You drive,” he said. “I am too tired.”

“I know,” his wife said. “I asked you to let me drive at least three times. You could have killed all of us. But no, you are the macho man; you have to do all the driving. This is it. Either you change or we are never getting into the car with you again.”

“What happened?” one of the children asked.

“Ask your father; I am trying to drive safely,” the mother replied sarcastically.

“I was foolish,” he answered. “I kept driving even though I was too tired. I’ll never do it again. I promise.”

Did he keep his promise? Read further.

Why did he try to finish the 6-hour drive at night? What is wrong with men like this? Let us use the non-technical term “Macho Man Jerk” to describe them. At the root are feelings of male inadequacy and loss of control. I was Chief of Psychology in a medical center that had 160 beds of spinal cord injured men. I would estimate that 90% of the behavior that caused their disability was preventable and resulted from their “Macho Man Jerk” behaviors. Speeding, drinking, overreaching, screaming anger, fighting, poor planning, taking risks, not paying attention, feeling invincible, and not listening to warnings were present in most of the preventable “accidents”. How can you tell if you or someone you know and perhaps used to love is a “Macho Man Jerk”?

Here are some clues. Be careful if he has even a few of these signs. 1. He is the boss because he is “the man”. 2. He often ridicules women. 3. He refuses to ask for directions when lost. 4. He drives after drinking. 5. He takes risks and dares. 6. He will fight with another “Macho Man Jerk” to defend “MY honor” or that of “MY woman”. 7. He flares to anger too quickly. 8. He will do or say outrageous things and expects total forgiveness. 9. He likes women who do not love themselves so he can always make them feel inferior. 10. He fails because of “bad luck”, the system, or “the powers that be”. 11. He likely had a dominating, abusive, alcoholic or absent father. 12. Most emotionally healthy women would not date his friends. 13. He always wants to be in control. 14. He never admits to being wrong.

These “men” will put you in physical and emotional danger. Parents should not let teenagers associate with or date these young men. If you think you are married to one, seek joint counseling if you plan to stay in the marriage. A true “Macho Man Jerk” will refuse to go.

The driver was 26 years old. That near death experience forced him to look at himself and his control needs. His wife, rightfully, put her foot down. Now neither of them drives when tired. Did he really change? Ask his wife. He’s not perfect yet. That was 43 years ago. I was that “Macho Man Jerk”. I chose to change. Choose health, choose life and choose love.

www.beyondutopia.net/leadership-lectures/tomkins-1.pdf This is an excellent article on the Macho pattern.

www.britannica.com/bps/additionalcontent/18/23077182/Road-rage-recognizing-a-psychological-disorder Discusses road rage and macho pattern.

Action Items:

1. Look at yourself first. How many of the above characteristics do you show or tolerate.

2. Look at your love life. Why do you need to be always right or avoid conflict with someone who things he is?

3. Talk to your partner. Then take action. Start with your pastor, close friends, mental health professionals.

Dr. Mancusi is an internationally known inspirational speaker and psychologist. drmancusi@yahoo.com www.mancusi.net ©2009 Tell him your story.