Dr. Joseph Mancusi: Choose health, life and love

She sat in front of me. Our feet were almost touching. She looked hopeless and helpless.

I gently kicked the sole of her shoe. She moved her foot and said, “Excuse me.” I said, “You’re excused.”

Soon I kicked her harder. “Excuse me.” she said. “No problem,” I said.

She continued telling me her troubles. She had a teenage son and daughter. Off and on for fifteen years, her husband hit her, and then begged her forgiveness. Her husband told her, “You know what makes me mad, you know I can’t control myself, and you still do it; it is partly your fault.”

He was seeking hospital admission for “nerves”.

I kicked her foot a third time. “Why are you doing that, Dr. Mancusi?” she asked.

“Because you like it,” I said.

“I don’t like it,” she snapped.

“Of course you do. You let your husband beat you in front of two teenagers. You must like it. You must like for your son to see his mother get beaten. You must love your daughter seeing that it is okay for a man to hit a woman. Otherwise, why would you let it go on for fifteen years?”

“I don’t like it.” She almost screamed. It was the first energy I had seen.

“Then why didn’t you call the police and file charges?” I asked.

“He is my husband. He says he can’t control himself. He begs forgiveness. He supports the family. I am a Christian; I have to forgive.”

“You say he is out of control. How many times has he been hospitalized with broken bones because he beat someone bigger than himself, a boss or someone else’s wife? None. He is in perfect control. You are out of control. You must love it.”

“Are you saying I should file charges?” She asked me.

“I find that therapy works best when there are real consequences. He is a bully and you choose to be the perfect victim. He will never stop, until you draw the line. Does being a Christian mean you have to get beaten by your husband?”

“Don’t let fear keep you from doing the right thing,” I said.

After we talked, she filed charges against him. He went to court. They went into therapy. Then her family went into therapy. He never hit her again. She is no longer one of the over one million women who are abused every year.

Verbal and physical in relationships are far too common. But it takes two sick people to keep a bad relationship together. A healthy person will not put up with a sick person who abuses him/her. Either both will get sick or both will get well. I don’t try to figure out why someone is abusive. I stop the abuse first. At the first session in group therapy with hospitalized psychiatric patients, I tell them, “You are not allowed to hurt me, yourself, other people or the furniture.” After thousands of patient hours, none of them ever did. It is strange that the same rules don’t apply to some marriages. Choose health, choose life, and choose love.

http://healthyminds.org/Main-Topic/Domestic-Violence.aspx American Psychiatric Association publication

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/domesticviolence.html Government publication on violence.

Action Items

1. If you love someone, report the first time he/she physically abuses you.

2. Don’t let a teen date an abuser a second time. Teach him/her to call 911.

3. Start an abused spouses shelter or group in your church or community.

4. Don’t use religion as your excuse to let bad things happen to you and those you love.

Dr. Mancusi is an inspirational speaker and psychologist. drmancusi@yahoo.com www.mancusi.net ©2009